[personal profile] arghmuses
Title: This Dance
Author: [personal profile] cydling
Fandom: FF8
Rating: M15
Warnings: implied past homoerotic relationship, light angst
On Going (WIP)/One-off/Series: One shot
Classification(s): POV, Songfic, AU (it happens after game)
Pairing(s): Squall/Rinoa Squall/Seifer
Summary: Seifer talks about the war and time afterward. Of being contained in Garden
Author's Notes: The song is Charlotte Martin - The Dance.

Did you ever get the feeling that the words coming from your mouth aren't your own? And you only get a glimmer of what you're going to say but not the full message and you don't know what you said until its been said? Too little too late as its sometimes said. You have no control of the words in your throat, in your mouth. (Inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say) And even after they leave, you still have no control over them, even though you spoke them?

That's how I've felt for such a long time and every time it happened, I felt like I was losing a bit more of who I was. And it felt that a bit of those words - not my words - were pushing me to do something I didn't want but there I was, saying them, following through. (do not lean over the ledge). Maybe that was part of her magic or maybe I'm just thinking on it too much because I know it was more me than her.

I look down (i shouldn't look down and i shouldn't have found), in shame, in dishonor, in disgust and you know what comes to the surface? The taste of your lips, of the peppermint mints you used to suck on.

The stolen kisses between classes, before a sparring match, or as we made our way to the bed (that your lips i still taste in my head). That's what comes to the surface of my mind and sometimes it comes kicking and screaming - fighting for attention. Sometimes it sneaks in, like you'd sneak into my room on some nights. I think that taste was something that saved me in the end, if just a little bit.

When you made SeeD, I was proud of you. It might have seemed that I was spiteful of your accomplishment but I wasn't (raising my glass to the head of the class). I was envious - I won't deny that. I always thought you to be the better of us.
You making SeeD made me want to be better. Prove I was better than you. I think that's the type of relationship we always had though. Our moments of silence came from afterglow of sex. That quiet moment that lulls you into sleep, otherwise it seemed like we were almost always sparring, arguing or fighting.

It might have been my romantic dream to be a Knight but at times, I think it was a mistake. Nothing but a horrendous mistake. I did so much harm and I thought I was doing good. So much for having your dream fulfilled in a fucked up way (as she powers out steps one through ten). Is it possible to stab yourself in the back? I felt that's what I did when I became her Knight. I don't know if I had a choice, she was so convincing that everything I was doing was right. For the greater good.

When I became her Knight, it wasn't a twisted thing. Wasn't warped and wrong. It was still honorable in my mind. It wasn't until near the battle of Gardens did I start to see that things had become perverted but I was too proud, too stubborn to admit that I was on the losing side - even then I could see it.
She wiped those thoughts from my mind so often. Just a brush of fingers over my temple and they shifted, just a bit, and the things I was doing felt right again. She made me feel less of a failure, made right to thoughts that the blood on my hands was because they deserved it and I was doing justice.

Even saying that word... It feels like its something perverted coming from my lips. I've dirtied it, sullied it.

I have no outward scars to show of the damage she's done to me. Nothing to show - shame isn't something that's easy to show (i think i'll be fine if i'm covered in wine). I do think I can say I've been humbled by what happened though, if only for brief moments. Maybe if I could wear my shame and humbleness like a scar people would see me differently.

I see the looks people give me: fear; disgust; loathing; hatred. And I don't blame them. I would hate me too if I was them (nice to hate you and love you again). I don't want to see it though. I see it enough when I look in the mirror.

Day in and day out. I see the same thing on everyone's faces. Uncertainty, disgust, a bit of rage, hatred but the worst is pity (weary and worn little monster is born). Can't talk to them - there's no point in it. They claim that I've changed, that I'm better now. I'm not the man who tried to take over the world with the Sorceress.

Quistis and Zell both said that they wanted to see if I changed. Tried to make plans - keep it small and simple. Coffee or something, but they'd fall through. Every single time (tell me lies and i'll justify them). I get it, really. They don't want to see me, to visit like they say they do. They're busy. They're heroes and I'm defeated. I'm broken. I get it.

I tried to visit you. I got turned away after I got a slap to the face and called every name under the sun by Rinoa. I know you were there, that you were in your quarters. I heard you give her shit for her behavior. And I had my head pressed against the door because those were the only few sort of good words I heard about me in ages (desperate today and it's making me pay).

What do we do when we're weary and worn out? Feeling like our very being is rubbed away to nothing? Day after day? No friends and trapped in Garden like a prisoner. I'm going crazy here. I long for the past. I wish I gained Ultimecia's powers so I could turn back time (for that night for that kiss for your bed). So I could warn myself. Warn you about my actions.

I think too much now. When you only have your own company, you end up thinking a lot. The least you could do is let my posse visit, but why would they? They have lives now, lives that aren't revolving around me (whoever dared to love someone out there). And this is good, right? Everyone needs to move on from the past.

The more I'm here, the more I see the apathetic nature they have towards me. I see it loud and clear. The comments are becoming louder, less veiled. They don't want me here any more (i don't need a balloon and a pin). I don't want to be here any more.

Xu puts me in detention on an almost daily basis. Why not just stick me in the jail rooms you have in the lower levels (the name of the game is outrunning the blame)? She finds some excuse - Unruly hair, uniform disheveled, chewing gum too loudly when I'm not chewing it. There's always something going wrong and I'm getting the blame for it, even if I'm nowhere near the event. I've become the Garden whipping boy.

You keep me here. You have the power to set me free from this place. Say the word. Let me go. Or maybe you get off on punishing me, feeding on my misery here (so i hate you and love you we're friends).

You won't let me go. You made a promise to make sure I would be looked after (guess we'll be friends). Be the soothsayer to the world. Prove to everyone that you conquered the villain for good (i guess we'll be friends). There is no leaving this place.

Maybe I should try to make the best of it (better stop crying hello and goodbye-ing). Get chummy with Chicken-wuss. Stop calling him that would be a start now wouldn't it? Compliment Xu and Quistis, maybe even the Ex. I think Rinoa would slap me for it though.

Nobody wants that though. Nobody wants me to be friendly. They want an excuse. They want me to slip up. Place the blame that I run from (go on through me slip right through my hands). What the consequences of things falling apart would be, are lost on me. I have no clue what would happen, maybe they'd kick me out.

I can see what would happen - Xu would call for a hearing and every single person would come in and tear into me again. Rip me apart all over again. My silence would be expected, wouldn't it (you get your time and the other half's mine)? And would you be there to defend me? Would you tell them that I didn't do those things?

I have a feeling that things would be stacked against me, even if you were on my side. I know you would have tried. Maybe. Or maybe you wouldn't. Perhaps Rinoa spoke her whispers edged with magic into your ear and you can't see right anymore.

This dance. I know this dance. I've learned it well.



May 2017

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